I'm baaaaaaaack!

I'm finished with ever trying to become a fashionista.  I can't stand to be around material anymore.  Bleh.

So, for the past couple of weeks, I volunteered to help make dresses for two lovely girl friends of mine.  And it has honestly been the most work that I have done in my life.  And I had to take extra classes last year to graduate early.  Ugh.  So, anyway, they are looking rather fine.  I'm quite impressed with how they will be worn.  I sure wish that I was much better at designing.  If I ever decide to make clothes, I will definitely open a sweat shop and have chimpanzees sew my clothes together.  They just might do a better job than what I've been doing.  And when the dresses are finished, I'll take pictures and post them.  Yada-yada-ya.

I haven't been on buzznet in quite some time.  I miss people.  Part of it has to do with my computer becoming fried and dying.  I'm having the computer people install a new hard drive and restore my settings and what-not.  It's terribly aggravating because I lost 1 1/2 songs that were saved to that damn computer.  I had to start from scratch.  It's horrible, I tell you. 

Next weekend, [the] Blackboard Decals have a show in New Mexico.  We are hoping to have someone there to video tape our performances, but mainly we will be doing a ton of cover songs.  I don't mind; they are some pretty good songs, I must admit.  You'll hear about them later, though.  We'll post the videos and I love feedback, so yeah. 

More in band news, those bastards at the recording studio cancelled my time slot, so I have to reschedule.  BLEH!!!  I'm still hoping that I will have the record complete by Halloween.  If I had a glass in my hand, I would raise it and say, "Here's to hoping", then take a swig of the vegetable juice that would be in it because I rather don't care much for the taste of liver failure.

Matter of fact, I don't think failure is good by any means.  I'm sure that most everyone agrees.

People have been telling me about their problems lately, and right when they start with the "my-life-is-so-bad-it-couldn't-be-worse" part, I tell them that they are definitely lucky.  I got so frustrated last night.  Ugh.  Drama is dumb, so stop creating you stupid losers.  If you have a problem, compare it to someone else's.  You will feel better and be able to think about how to fix your problem more logically.  It's as though no one really knows how good they have it.  I doubt myself sometimes.  But I always think, "Wow.  I'm not being beaten or raped.  I'm not starving.  I have friends (at least one).  I have a house.  Hell, I even have the internet, a cell phone, credit card.  I'm a spoiled brat."  That's how I get through things.  If you have a problem, compare your life to someone else's and see how stupid you really are.  Or just look in the mirror.

Sorry that I'm cynical today.  I have to go see a doctor for pills.  I think that I might be bipolar.  I've been really iffy these past few weeks.  Maybe it's stress.  Or I'm going crazy.  Either way, it's my problem and there are much worse things that can happen to me.  I'll just swallow my anger, put a happy face on and figure out a way to be nicer to people.

Sometimes, it might just be easier to lock yourself in an empty room, turn off your cell phone, grab a pen and paper, and let your mind take over.  I'll go give it a shot.  I'll get back to you.

Alors, a demain.

John Ortega

I think that Cobra Starship should have a song called "Ventures and Vultures".  It goes with their name.  I've already came up with lyrics for it.  Maybe, someday, I can help Mr. Gabe Saporta produce one of their albums.  It would be wonderful.

I like Buzznet.  It's my escape.  I don't feel like I have to lie to anyone on here.  Nor do I in real life.  It just sort of happens easier in real life.  Meh.

[the] Blackboard Decals have their first show in a few weeks.  =]

That's it for tonight.  I'm going to go make a mystery.

I love horror flicks.  I don't get scared;  I'm just in love with seeing how the slasher scenes are created.  So much can be learned from murderers.  And mobsters.  I'm in love with the original gangsters.  I wonder what inspired gangsters to be so 'in charge'.

Yabba dabba doo!

===========Italian 'Gangster' Theory==================================

Some people believe that the Italian mob was formed way back in the early days of the medieval era.  Now, no one really knows for sure, but many believe that perhaps it is connected to the legend of Robin Hood.  Many of the mobsters liked to convince people that they were really doing good.  (Ha ha!  Robin Hood is totally a gangster!!)  I remember in one of my history classes that the Italian mob was comprised of a secret group of Sicilians that swore to fend for the population against Catalan marauders.  This was way back during the 1400s;  I guess that you could say about the time Christopher Columbus was going to America.  Of course, he was Spanish.  It's wierd.  There was so much going on during that time period.  Hmm...Perhaps those Catalan killers could have ended the mob.  Oh, well.

Flashforward to the early 20th century:  Chicago gets over-whelmed by the impact of this Italian trickery.  It wasn't only Chicago.  Nearly every big city on the East coast was stuck with a mob system or two.  It was a full field of corrupt politicians, cruel monopolies and tainted living conditions.  I guess in all fairness, the term "gangster" came from this time period.  The press first started to connect the dots and refer to mobsters as gangsters.  Some of the most heinous and devious of them were Al Capone, Bugsy Siegel, Johnny Torrio (A.K.A. "The Fox") and Joseph Bonnano (A.K.A. "Joey Bananas").  Good for them.  Any crook that could manipulate a population into believing that they are a decent human being is definitely worth recognizing.  These men might as well be in the dictionary as the definition of the word 'infamous'.  Truly wonderful, men.  'Riposi In Pace'.

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=]  Don't know what else to add.  I'll go CRAZY in depth in a later journal.  I'm drifting from my 'mob love' to my love for comedy.  So, before I go on a "oh-my-god-Jim-Carrey-makes-the-world-a-better-place" tangent.  I'll stop.

Meh.

My Fall Out Boy adventure began during late 2004. My grandfather died in February of 2004, and my mother was going out of her mind because my dad wasn't near us to help her along. He had joined the National Guard a few months before my grandpa passed on and was stationed 3 hours away from our house. He had to stay on the Air Force Base until his training was finished. We saw him a couple times a month. My mother had never gone without my dad before, and it was her father that died. She stopped all contact with myself and my two siblings. I took responsibility and took care of my brother and sister while my mom was going through her hard time. It lasted for a few months, and by the time school started up in the fall, I couldn't handle it. I was 14 and trying to sort out my issues of intimacy and confusion. I had a girlfriend, Christine, who was nothing but a whore, at the start of 2004. I didn't want her. I never knew what she expected of me. Women were annoying in my eyes. They were these horrible people that couldn't keep themselves together and only wanted the worst for me. I gave up and let her go.

A few days after I broke up with Christine, I was flipping through all of the channels that we had, and I saw a music video show. I didn't like music videos too much; music was work, not fun. I still kept going through each channel, and I stopped when I saw Mr. Stump say those words, "I'm good to go, but I'm going no where fast. It could be worse; I could be taking you there with me..." I stared in awe and my mouth fell. I watched the video for "Saturday" and Pete Wentz kept throwing those cards on the bodies. Patrick was roaming frantically, freaking out about them all. Then, I heard him say "Me and Pete..." and it clicked. I felt like I had to watch it. I felt a strange attraction to Pete Wentz. Then, the part where Pete is hanging from the roof in the room that is falling apart and starts screaming. I never heard anything so beautiful. I FREAKED OUT. He was the most interesting thing that I had ever seen. After that, I was determined that I wanted to be a part of his world.

I became a quick fan. The 2004-2005 school year finished and I heard of a CD called "From Under The Cork Tree" by them. My mother was still going out of her mind and wouldn't let me purchase the CD. Good thing that "Sugar, We're Going Down" was a sweet success or else I probably wouldn't have ventured any further at all. During the summer and fall of 2005, I got really big into Pete Wentz. My obsession started with how he looked and grew into his lovable personality and way with people. I heard the story that they never planned to be famous. It just sort of happened. That is when I got my first band together, Jest. It was really lame, but it was still a band. I started writing lyrics then. It was amazing. My life had been filled with glee. "Dance, Dance" came out late 2005/early 2006. I was in love with the video for it. I totally learned the dance that Pete does. Bleh. NERD!

My mother started getting her act together last year, when my dad came home from training. But he left soon after he came home for Iraq. I won't get further into my family life, but it wasn't so good. Anyway, "A Little Less 'Sixteen Candles'..." came out really late that year. It was super cool. I learned the fighting scheme for that video. I could totally tell it to you at the top of my head.

I went to see the on the Friends Or Enemies Tour. They were AMAZING! Pete looked at me a certain way when I blew him a kiss. My friend, Ariel, was the only other person to see it. (I totally just got a HUGE smile on my face thinking about that!!!) Then, for the Honda Civic Tour, MY BEST PALS AND I GOT TO MEET THEM. IT WAS SO COOL!  I plan on giving them a copy of my EP by the time we get to meet them again in November.  =]  CAN'T WAIT!!

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So, that's that. Fall Out Boy = Nice way to live life.

Meh.

Nothing like being compared to Pete Wentz.  Those words made my life.

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I took a bite out of your candy cane heart.  What they say is true, love will tear us apart.  If your going to get mad, you have to scream it real loud.  Get on your feet and shout how our love is in the clouds.  You look so sweet, my dear girlie, with your hair up and so terribly curly.  Look in the mirror and tell me what do you see?  You're an aesthetic, a snore, a fake, a gut-wrenching wanna-be.  Breathe out, breathe in.  Breathe out, breathe in.  I have to let you go, just to let you know, we are the worst of all the shows the world has seen.  Keep away from me.

It appears you blend in, like a damn chameleon.  No one sees you for what you really are.  Invisible to the naked eye, but those who know you, know you lie.  I've been stopping myself from talking this out.  Enough of your thoughts, you're not what I want.

Don't get me wrong, things at first were pretty great.  Smiles, hugs, presents and the "oh, so pleasant" dates.  I brought you flowers.  You gave me strife.  You got too cynical and your emotions took your life.  Breathe out, breathe in.  Breathe out, breathe in.  I have to let you go, just to let you know, we are the worst of all the shows the world has seen.  Keep away from me.

It appears you blend in, like a damn chameleon.  No one sees you for what you really are.  Invisible to the naked eye, but those who know you, know you lie.  I've been stopping myself from talking this out.  Enough of your thoughts, you're not what I want.

You wanted me to act more manly.  You said that I'm too much of a girl; I'm not tough.  How about you get going, and I'll start living the life of a man who has had enough.

It may seem that you blend in, but you don't have any friends.  Everyone sees you for what you really are.  Visible for the first time, lies exposed, deceit unfine.  I've been stopping myself from talking this out.  Enough of your thoughts, you're not what I want.

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Bleh.  Who knew that animal crackers, peanut butter, diet pills and pop-tarts would make me feel creative?  Maybe it was the food.  Or the VMAs.  I love that Fall Out Boy won at least the one that they did.  They will win more.  And hopefully, I can be the one to announce that they won.

2nd OFFICIAL song going on the EP.  Not sure what else, but it will be out soon.  Keep your eyes peeled around Halloween.  I PROMISE it will be done before Thanksgiving Day.  It has to be.

Katy                           Laura                       Madison                 John  (Me!)

Kalauadisohn.

[the] Blackboard Decals are going to rule the world.  Just you wait.  We'll take it by surprise.  Just you wait.

What can I say?  I'm pretty much freaking obsessed!!!

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I love him more than someone else.  I admit that there are probably tons of people that love him more than me.  I just know that he is my idol.  It's amazing that no matter how annoying life gets, you always have someone that you can think about and smile.  =]

It was because of Pete Wentz that I decided to officially take up the bass guitar.  He will be credited with the start of my musical career.

This is Fall Out Boy's framed signatures from the last concert I was at with them.  Amazing.  Everyone in the world should meet the boys.  It's a must!!

This is part of one of my walls in my room.  I tell you, I am obsessed. 

Thanks, Pete.  <3

It happened again.  Tell me, is there a HUGE sign that reads on my forehead the letters "F-A-G"?  I swear, I take pictures of myself all the time and I never once have seen that word anywhere on my body.

I went to go get my mother a Strawberry Banana Colada because she was feeling under the weather.  So, I leave my house singing "Love Today" by Mika and just smile all the way.  When I get to the street, these guys in a blue truck started to scream "fag" and "queer" several times.  I am really good at just nodding those statements off, but I also heard one of them say "Let's make some fag-roadkill."  I heard that and ran to the other side of the street.  And good thing for the construction going on in the streets or chances are, I would not have the chance to journal this account with all of my limbs intact. 

I really don't get it at all.  I'm NOT gay.  I'm NOT straight.  I'm NOT even bisexual.  I'm do NOT have a sexual preference.  I don't have an opinion on which side I am leaning to at all.  I don't understand it, therefore, I don't claim anything.  Why can't people see that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOVE?!?!

Ugh.  I'm done with that.  Sorry for wasting time.  And words.  Hmm...

I will be in Chicago come the start of next year.  I've got a bit of a plan going.  I cannot wait to be rid of inconsiderate people.  At least in the big city, I can be known for something other than my lack of sexuality.  Or known for nothing.

Still, I'd rather be a ghost than not being able to walk down a street without getting harassed.  Oh, how the times are winding in the gutter.

I remember when I didn't believe that Restless Leg Syndrome wasn't an actual syndrome.  I am amazed.

Continuing, I was looking up murderers today and found some pretty interesting stuff about Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein.  Crazy folks, but the way that they were brought up may be the actual reason they became sociopaths.  It's amazing how trauma has an effect on people.  Tisk, tisk.  Please raise your kids to be moral and upright.  We cannot control other people's actions, but we can surely somewhat guide them on a yellow brick road of kindness.  Bleh.  Yes, that was a Wizard of Oz reference.  I wish I had shiny red shoes...

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We need a little caffeine pumped into our hearts, clogging up our brains and our veins, infecting the body, the skulls and the soles of our feet;  they tremble oh, so well.  They tremble oh, so well.  They tremble oh, so well.

Sweat takes hold; pull me tighter.  Belts pulled off somewhat inspired.  Transition sings through movie screens; I can't get a grip on mortality.  It's warmer in bed than it is outside, stammering pants just to pass the time.  Continue cursing; I'll be sure to write.  We're fogging up these lights.

We need a little caffeine pumped into our hearts, clogging up our brains and our veins, infrecting the body, the skulls and the soles of our feet;  they tremble oh, so well.  They tremble oh, so well.  They tremble oh, so well.

If I had any more adrenaline, it would burn the eyes right off of your face.  Chemically imbalanced and the pills aren't cutting it.  I'll burn out my energy and it will fly like kerosene.

We need a little caffeine pumped into our hearts, clogging up our brains and our veins, infrecting the body, the skulls and the soles of our feet;  they tremble oh, so well.  They tremble oh, so well.  They tremble oh, so well.

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Come up with a title.  I would love to hear opinions.  Love.

Do you guys remember this?

I do.  And I always will.

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I purchased my presale ticket today exactly 1 minute after they became available.  I also purchased Audrey's, for the time being.  Do you guys know what that means?  I think we will be doing this again in November.  On Thanksgiving Day, you should be thankful that we will have a chance to meet the men of our dreams.  Again.  It will be just as good as the first time.  If not better.

I will have our EP done by then.  We will give it to Mr. Stump in hopes that he even listens to it.  That's all I want out of it.  I just want them to know we exist.  As I look into our eyes in the photo, we look like a storm.

Thank you for eveything you guys have done for me.  You will always be my favorite folks.  We'll make it, you gals.  I promise.

I can't feel what's around me.  I'm not trying to be abstract or sad or anything.  I just don't know about what I used to.  I swear, I'm crumbling.  I'm going to be left a brick where there once was a skyscraper.

It scares me, but at least I know I'm alive.  I'm alive.